I've been on an emotional rollercoaster this past week. I have been through a range of extreme loneliness to extreme hate and I will tell you why. Please realize that I already feel like a horrid person for my overt and passionate reaction to an experience I had yesterday so please reserve your judgement or at least try to understand where I'm coming from.
First the lonely.
I often discuss my disdain for all things romantic but I will have you know that I am indeed a sucker for love. Now I have no clue how I will react to love when it comes my way and a part of me secretly hopes it does not. Being in a relationship, a real relationship, not just the friends with benefits kind is awfully terrifying to a loner such as myself. It would force me to confront my 2nd worst earthly fear which is growing up. I cannot even begin to express how uncomfortable commitment makes me feel. Writing about it right now makes me queasy. I am not afraid of getting hurt per say but more afraid of hurting the other person. Truth be told I have issues, having another person that close to me in such an intimate way forces me to take responsibilty for my fears and confront them coming full circle back to the issue of me not wanting to grow up. And as much as I love those of the testosterone elegantly put, boys are stupid.
Second the hate.
I make known my disdain for motherhood more often than I do relationships. Becoming "with child" is my first earthly fear. It has become a running joke of my close friends and family of my nervousness of the "little people." People usually respond to my vow to subject my uterus to a barren grave with claims of me being the one to produce an obscene amount of children (after I am wed of course). Whether or not my side or theirs will prevail is yet to be seen, but the Discovery Channel, and Courtney Cox, slammed me face first into my own paranoia.
Last night as I cleaned my room a documentary came on the Discovery Channel, narrated by Courtney Cox, about for lack of a better term "where babies come from." The documentary followed three expectant mothers from conception until childbirth.
Unfortunately they did not show the conception, which as I've heard is the best part about this whole mess anyway, but I suppose that is a whole other documentary. While I'm sidetracking I must say I was hurt to see that out of the three expectant mothers, 2 white 1 black, the black woman's husband/boyfriend/spermdoner was no where to be found. It's like damn could we not find a married black woman to participate? Four words ste-re-o-type!
Anywho fast forward to the birthing process and ummm yuck. New born babies fresh out the womb are the creepiest little life forms on earth. They're all bloody and slimy and crying with big ole heads. They look like aliens. After watching one woman be in labor for 22 hours, one almost die from high blood pressure due to her pregnancy, and one just screaming her head off I couldn't help but think to myself "My God, why would anyone want to purposely put themselves through this hell, some multiple times, only for that little phcuker to grow up and be a pain in the arse?" And then I burst into tears. No. Really. I began to cry profusely. I cried for two reasons.
1. Everything in my soul rejected motherhood on the spot, I hated the fact that pregnancy and childbirth were such a trainwreck of experience for women, I hated that men could never experience the plight of women and our reproductive system, I hated the children that caused their mothers so much pain, and I hated the fact that I was outrightly giving the finger to the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing.
2. I cried because I felt as though I am a horrible person for feeling all those things and despising part of my make-up as a woman. Like if I never get married and have children I'll be letting my family, and even God down and who wants to let God down right?
So that's been my last week in a nutshell. Probably not the most uplifting post after a 2 month absence but there it is. I should probably warn that the next few will be a little Drake-ish as well.
Drake-ish (noun)- extremely emotional, sad, all up in one's feelings.
No comments:
Post a Comment